ZHan
2403198
Blabbering is my forte
Snapping pic is my fav
One World Sold out for Jesus

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Enough of revamping my blogskin..
I decide to blog about something.

Literature. Foreshadowing. Stage directions.
A simple movie has turned into a literature evaluation of stage directions. I can't watch in peace without pondering why the character did that and said this.
Oh nooooo...

Russel Peters. A comedian who boasted,
'I love women so much that I can't get married now, otherwise I will be loving a woMAN...'
Some downloads from my brother's laptop, that I browsed in curiousity.

Sunday. Tommorrow.
Anticpation for tomorrow's coming is driving me crazy.
I can't wait to wake up and dash to church in God speed..
Invited my friends down for church. I can't wait to see them in church.
I love my church. I love God.

Bible. Ideas.
I used to think that only those who are super duper religious will read their bible everyday, but I gradually came to my sense that actually is those who love God sooo much and can get excited over a 'dead' book will truely appreicate that small little black book with so much ideas and revelation waiting to be preceived and be found. I just can't stop reading it. Bestseller indeed. :)

Assignment test. Folly.
I failed English, Chinese, Maths and Econs. I dunno how I got my 12 points, but I know that it's not by my own knowledge and wisdom or anything brian power I did. Divine intervention? maybe.. I will survive JC. No problem lar. I want more tutorials!!

Self. Evil.
'Human are evil being, every good thing they do is driven by self-interest and usually the self-interest is make ownself feel good.' This thought invaded my mind after a discussion with my beloved classmates. Hmmmm.. food for thought.

Debates. Slack.
POI 1
A: Yes Madam!
B: No Sir!

POI 2
A: But Sir!
B: No! -waved down-

POI 3
A: Precisely Madam..
B: -waved down-

POI 4
A: MADAM!!
B: Yes Sir?
A: What about the...

POI5:
A: Win-Win
-got pull down by fellow team memebers harshly-

The day before I lived, to see.
Yesterday I died, to hear.
But today I revived, to smell.
Maybe tomorrow I banished, to taste.

See. Hear. Smell. Taste.
This is my dark confession.
1 day.
24 hours.
1440 mins.
86400 secs.
Am I a fool or am I just foolish?

How I wish I could devote
one day just to read the Bible
and do nothing else..
How I wish life would be so simple..

Today I got duped. hit. bashed. slapped.
A bit irrational today..

Look out for 'Iago', he might be
just sitting beside you without you noticing it.
Everyone will be someone's 'Othello' or another
person's 'Iago'..

We are living in a world of deception,
which your trust might be breached
with knifes backstabbing you over and over again.
In and out without you feeling it.

Close your eyes and see.
Unfathomable truth is unseen with the eyes,
it's the heart that preceive the lies of the man.

Happy is the man who knows and keeps in silent.
'Foreshadowing is revealing soon,' cried the man.
'Blood will colour the moon crimson and the night
wind will be defiled,' preached the man.

But who's the man?
A fool or a drunkard.
Happy is the man who looks good with his red sling bag.
His bag is now the center of attention that he constantly
switching from one bag to another in the name of fun,
shoving his pride aside to dry under the blazing sun.
Pinkish floppy. Greenish turtle shell. Reddish rouge.
That's his identities, but not his personalities.
The bag speaks for her owner.

Happy is the man who failed Chinese test by one mark,
but found favor in God by integrating his integrity.
Failure for now is to show him that grace is
all he needed forever, for he love his God too much.
That's why..

Amazed is the man who watched a
documentary on the parting of the Red Sea.
That made him more in love with the Intangible..
He brought a few friends along to engage in self-debating
whether what they heard and seen are truth or just
an exaggeration of an eye witness, that made him smile.
Happy is the man who got critically criticized
by the critics, for they aren't fools who didn't
praise the worst fashion disaster and spoke the truth.
The class of critics whom he was unforgivably
shot down on the face, but he didn't have any hard
feelings because he cut it in the name of fun.
A bright Red. Scarlet. Light Maroon sling bag was
purchased, for the new owner of the bag speaks for
his character - Bloodily loud.
Happy is the man whose patch of grass mowned
to a small hill of carpet grass. Short and sharp.
He went to a unisex salon to get rid of them,
made friends with the lady with
the electrical 'buzzing' shaver.
He loves his spiky hair. Short and sharp.
Happy is the man who is a fool to whisper his disturbing past
and pick himself up, clean his stained shirt
and continue walking, drunk in the Spirit.
Once upon a time, in the eastern side of Singapore, a baby was born.
He was the third and the last child of the Kng family,
but was rated as the least and the last among his relatives' family.
Before he could walk by himself,
he was marked as a curse to the family.
A curse sworn by his father's father that he is nothing but trouble.
His father took it quite hard on himself and to him as well.

Father's love was absent in his growth.
He learnt everything by himself and stood up with he fell.
No one helped him, not even his father.
When people praised his sons, he only presented one,
and hid the other one behind the closet.
The baby was just a shadow of his elder brother
that noone knows the baby's presence.

Photos of his brother filled the photobooks,
with just a few spaces saved for the baby.
People assumed that's the younger brother,
but none would dare to mention his name.

A few years passed and his father's mind was still on the past.
Rejecting one and love the other,
showered love for the elder
and shoved the other into labour,
working hard and panting hard for he's just child waiting to be enslave.
He climbed and fell, climbed and fell.
Until one day his knees cannot take it anymore,
he sat by the floor, crying and crying.
His father thought he was throwing a tantrum
and rebuked him even before asking for the cause.

Another few years were gone, his parents dun go to church anymore.
They treated the business more important than God
and freed the son by his own, whether to go church or not.
Strangers asked for his parents but he could only say 'I dun know.'
They praised him to be such a good boy,
even when the parents weren't in church,
he stood firm in church with the only hope
that they would come back one day with him
but he knew it was hopeless with tears down his cheeks
when he saw his friends' parents hand-in-hand with them.

They scoffed him as a loner,
no parents no brother in church.
For his brother was seen as a betrayer to the church
as he left without saying anything to the leaders.
He had to carry the family burden with not a word spoken.

His mother was a servant, had to cook and tend the family business.
She felt that business was more important,
and gave up cooking and package food for him everyday.
He had been longing for his mother's cooking, but it was futile anyway.

He ate and became fat.
He knew he had to be slim and ate less,
that was even before his 10th birthday.
He grew up sad and sadder.
Until pimples flourished on his face.
He was a disgrace to his father and was treated even harsher.
He didn't give any love and expect to be love.
he cursed him and he threw him that look, whispering 'it's the end.'
He knew he was dead.

He grew older with no friends.
Lost his childhood friend in one day,
noone wants to be his friend,
for he had a pimple face.
He was lonely but no one cares.
He tried to commit suicide when he was after 10,
until one day he was saved.
saved by the Devil with the mask
asking him whether want to sell his soul,
in exchange for a bar of gold.
He was a fool to agree to it,
ended up losing everything.

He grew much older by his own.
Drove to school by his father,
with a social contact written that in exchange
he had to labour for free in his office.
He loved read but was forbidden to go to library,
ended up always failing English.
His mother was worried
and gave him tutor to help him,
but he hated it and wasted their money for nothing.
'Good-for-nothing' was his middle name,
did not badly for PSLE.
But compared to his brother,
he was really nothing.

People in Maris Stella spoke in fluent English,
he, however, couldn't do it.
Ended up being called a 'rapist',
for no reason he accepted it.
He was gay and happy,
for nobody knew about his family
and also his brother's glory.

Scout was his life.
He poured his sweat and blood into it,
and gained what he felt was an achievement.
Until the day, his parents scolded him to be a fool,
to be a leader among his peers.
He was questioning what was their problem
and found that they were not proud of him ever.
They didn't come to any of his prize receiving awards
and during Parents-meeting Session, he was the only one alone.
He wanted to commit suicide again,
but didn't want to lose everything again with a jump from his window
down 16 levels onto the floor.
he chickened out and stayed at home,
decided not to try unless he was forced.

English was his flaw.
Literature was his thorn.
He swore forever to hate them and blamed his parents for his faults.
He studied hard and slept little,
with his kindled hope for a science course,
with this mindset of following his brother,
in order to gain their support.
He studied for his parents,
but they scoffed at him, 'Good-for-nothing.'
He cried every night, hoping that he had jumped
to end his miserable life that time.

Before the year came to a stop,
he was forced to go to his brother's church camp,
over there he met God.
shocked to find that he had been fooled by his church,
of wrong doctrines and of the real God.
He struggled with his choice for where to go,
Christmas came and he made a choice.
Served two churches and waited upon on God.
Ended up wasting one year, den quitted both.
For he had found the church that he was hoping for.

He did not forget his family's burden and return to make his withdrawal,
he was scoffed and slapped, but for his love for God,
he stood up and left.
He asked God to forgive them and hoping
that they would wake up one day
and find that they had wasted their days on nothing but fame.
He didn't say good bye to two girls over there,
hoping that one day they would say, 'bring me to your church!'
for he loved them very much, more than a brother should be.

He trusted in God for his studies,
read his bible daily on the days of his O's exam.
He went for exam with a brain that memorized the only sentence:
'Seek first the Kingdom of God and his Righteousness
and all will be added to you.'
He got 12 points in the end,
felt that he didn't deserve it for he had not studied,
but he praised God and left Maris Stella, smiling heartily.

Before he got his results back,
he was posted to SR for 3 months.
He didn't expect much but to a loner once again.
Without a notice before hand, a loner became a socialite.
People from OG was great, spent lots of time together and played.
He found it hard to take, but enjoyed was what it takes.
Sadly, it was time of constant change. He was again posted to CG.
Unexpected again, they were another bunch of splendid.
Studied and played. Studied and played.
He was happy everyday,
until one day, he met the Cedarians who added colour and taste
to his overheated social circle.
Unpredictable, life was his.
Unpredictable.

Life was happy and OK.
Until the day that he was again posted to another place,
SA was the place.
A place for which he waited for 4 years
and finally it was his.
Disappointed he might be,
as his dream school wasn't what he wished.
He asked God again why it was like this,
He said nothing but smiled to him.

Posted to another OG again.
this time, people weren't the same.
They expected to be like the old days,
where their old mates were there again.
However, he made a wish on his birthday that everyone to be OK,
the next day, things were changed but again they had to change,
change to another CG and forever it remains unchanged.

Now he is still in his new CG,
wondering what will happen next.
Way

Why not chose a box of fortune cookies
but a miserable box of assortment chocolate.
Bluffing thee that everything's alright,
when the right is wrong and the wrong is right.
Couldn't believe that I believe what I believe,
for what I believe is not what I used to believe.

Breaking out and sinking in,
back into my old wine skin.
Fresh new wine multiplied,
drowning me in all delight.
Guess who's drinking by my side,
even thee can't possibly see.
As I lose sight of the night,
knave of the tide stole my knight.

Lost and weary, I dun mind.
Scoff and mocking, kills my mind.
Intellectual is my knight,
Wisdom, however, is my pride.
Countenance undermined,
as my allowances took a bit.

Why not chose a coffin for a slide,
down the valley of belied.
Smile and smirk.
Laugh and snick.
Luck is not just a cut,
but a poison to thy duct.

Find what you can
and can what you can
then sit on your can
and be the just like your can.
Contained and restrained.
Complain and complain
but nothing can be changed.
Because you are your can.

Signore Shakespeare
teach me how to like
thy language of delight.
For the Tragedy of the Hanky is mine
if Iago is chanting by my side
manipulating Othello inside me.
Let the poison of Romeo's lips,
kill the oppressed Juliet inside me.

Allow me to preach to the despair
how I was reached by Thee and repaired.
Rose and brought back in pair,
both my soul and my Spirit
empowered to conquer another day.
1 year.
365 days.
8760 hours.
525600 minutes.
31,536,000 seconds.
1,892,160,000 milliseconds.
00:26:++
That's how long I spoke to Ranyer and Wei Bin.
If u understand, we will understand whatever I have just written.

I wept again yesterday.
I could't control the streams of tear sliding along my nose bridge.
Tough!

I have just witnessed another victories game.
SA vs AC.
1 - 0.

It was said to be No. 14 who made it possible.
Some commented that he was cute, other said other numbers.
I, on the other hand, didn't know how to reply.
The ball was what I'm concerned about. The directions and the legs kicking it.

Everyone was so absorbed by the match that the attendance for History make-up was all-time low, of the two lectures including today's as well. Mr Yong, the 'Cold War' dean, not a bad chap after all.. thou sometimes he might seem to be a bit nassssssty..

JC teacher is JC teacher.
They understand our needs. They acknowledge our trend. They recongise our culture. For they were once like us, just that our time and space ain't going after the same idol, but they are still the ones who set the rules and play 'police and thief' with us.

Mr Yong brushed thru the lecture notes and summarized the important pointers and off we go, to be part of the Saints family to cheer and root for our fellow brave souls who shone their skills on the battlefield.

Flagbearers forcefully waved the flagpole as thunder of echoes filled the open space. And before, I could take a glimps at the battered field, a blasting roar from the balcony and the track startled me. I sprinted to the nearest visiblity. I missed it. Boo hoo hoo...

Another vintage triumph.

Critical reading.
Never for once, I found English language to have such mesmerizing effect on me. Even thou, the subjects that were taught during GP was nostaglic but I was seem to be a new revelation to me. I tend to digest them smoothly, without the classical vindicate towards it. Ironic isn't it?

A new day with a new phrase.
Auntie Margaret..

It's the phrase of the day.
Hmmmm.. Euphemisms.
Woooo... profound sia.

Lifestyle SA. Something I just thou of.
Weeeeeeee..
Study hard. Play hard. Die hard.
Life can never be as tight as now.

I never like to disappoint people now, 'cos I was a disappointment then.
Thus I tried my very best to fulfill every responsibility that comes into my way, intersecting with my desire to pacify any negative outbreak. I pushed myself to accomplish every activity that awaits for me, sliently.

Church. Family. Friends. Myself.

That's how I prioritize. But there are days when all 4 come clashing with each other head to head and I as a normal human being has 24 hours as well. Not that, I'm complaining or being very unsatisfied with it. But sometime, I might be viewed as a very superifical person, just want to entertain people on the surface. On the other hand, it's not the very case.

I grew up in a very controlled and commanding family.
Respect is a big issue between my parents and I, and especially now when I dun see them that as often. Respect demanded - eats into my very core of my soul. This whole 'respecting me' thingy generates fear inside of me...

At times, the vibration of my mobile sends chilles into my spine, behind that caller might be my parents. Luckily, I have caller ID which saves me alot of trouble to contemplate whether to answer that phone call. As usual, the call checks on me...

How irritated I can feel, but I will use a bit of my peanut brainjuice and excuse myself to a rather quiet corner to calm myself before answering. Especially at times, when I'm into conversation with my friends den this phonecall just will just dampen my mood and spoil the rest of my day. All these call checks make me feel despised and not being trusted.

Eeeeeeeeeeeeeee...
Mum's always does that becos she's feeling guilty not being able to be there for me when I was young, when I need parent support, when they are invited for parent sessions. Now, as a JC student, she still pack my 'lunckbox' for me, afraid that I might be hungry in school and never fails to remind me to eat lunch and not starve. I'm still a child in her eyes.

Today.
My morning quiet time was rudely interrupted by her questioning what I have spent on for the last few weeks and had to put down my guitar, took out my receipt book stapled with tonnes of bills and the records on my expenditure. One by one, I marked the withdrawal amt in the account book.

Later in the morning.
I was donned in my ususal slacks, Nike yellow-mix-black singlet and 3 quart-trousers, and left home. BAM!!! my phone was vibrating. Mum was on the phone. 2 minutes of rebuking for not letting her know that I was gym-ing with Joshua and it just turned me off. I took in deep breathes and out. I apologized for my 'ignorance' and promised to drink her soup that she had prepared since dawn. >.<

Gym.
I felt terrible. I felt inferior. I felt soft. I felt flabby. I felt like a weakling.
Men were carrying dumbbells that had several rings attached to both ends of the handles with circumference as large as my head. And boys like me on the other side, reducing the weights attached to the machines that some were twice as heavy as me. Men before us, who had used the machine gave us a second look when we just immediately popped onto the sits, preparing to build those fats into muscles. But smirk when we gave out a slip of moaning after forcefully exert on the hand bars to lift the fellow blocks of black coated weights that didn't successfully move a speck at all. I had to humbly crouch by the steel and metal-made machine to rise the pin to reduce the mass. 2 sets of 12 per machine. Exploited I was as I struggled to finish the 2 simple sets with my aching muscle was weeping with sweat all over me.

Mugging.
Joshua and I camped @ the nearest Long John Silver to mug. Othello and Math Induction were laid on the top. I was drilling Othello text into my mind, as I took advantage of Joshua's IPod and I solved his MI question... ain't I arrogant. I ordered ice lemon tea for a change.

Church.
Prayer meeting. Yeeha!! I found another reason to long for revival. Invade SA!! Floodgates of vision rushed into my stranded life. I'm alived and kicking.

-Light laughter coming from the living room-

I think it's time to call it a night.
Thou I got lots to blog.
I got another longing day tomorrow.
Weird prophet's rallying youths to stand up for what they believe!!
Temptation

Quenched my thirst with fear,
as the wench is whispering by my ears.
Save me not falling from Thy grace,
wave not to me during thy race.
Leave me not alone to be
blinded by pillars of tabloids and gods.
Bind me in your tenderness.
Kiss me, O Jezebel!
Kill me softly by the bell.
Will hot sulfur of hell
engulf my trespasses,
for I am not mastered nor all masters.
Only Thee can condone me,
totally donned me in purity.
14:08:57
Still too slow. Sigh..

One word to describe my school life: Stinkssssss-to-the-extreme.
But it's the life that I have been awaiting for.

Divine Intervention. Perfect imperfect Church. Financial Liberty. SAJC. Screw-up lifestyle.

Except for the screw-up lifestyle.
All the rest are what I have been anticipating for 5 whole years.
I have no life. Mugging and Social engineering. I feed on those to stay in line with Schlife.
Oh how a torment...

I think..
I will just like rot. die. mold. perish. dust.
on Thursday..

Speak of not that devil: Literature for 3 hours!!!!
I need the capacity to love that subject..
therefore, I need God.

Study. Mug. Read. Note.
Bye bye honeymoon.. *waves and kisses*
I vaugely recall all my first time..

Barbie doll. I used to enjoy those plastic figures. It was thru that I found what I called my childhood sweetheart. She was so sweet to my heart, so tender to my soul. Innocent as we were. Naive as we were. Transparent as we were. Naked as we were. It seem to be eternal when we were together every afternoon and cuddled beneath the think layers of flowery bedsheet. Sound asleep.

Barbie doll. A long story that possessed strings of sentimental past, that fades as the season comes and passes by. However, I will always remember that moment.. that moment I made an oath to her and sealed it with a kiss. An oath of eternal passion. But, now.. after so many years. That sacred covenant might be somewhere back in her mind and I might be just another unfinished committment or she might be searching for her lost love in the deep blue sea. The needle in the haystack. Her little prince.

Yar right.. dream on little frog, more like it.

Just like last week..
Presentation skill needed us to generate some cock-and-bull 'about me' speech. I was quite apprehensive about that. I have nothing in mind, except my life story to tell. From thee to thy. For no specific reason, Barbie doll just came knocking into my mind and out of abundance in my heart, my mouth spoke about it with my classmates. Ashamed I should have felt, but I wasn't at all.

As my fingers were numbed. Butt was numbed. Feelings were numbed. My name was finally mentioned and I graceiously stood up. I got difficulty to reach the destinated position for the irritating camera to film my every motion, I was freezing. >.<

Fountian. Flowers. Butterflies. Pockets of people. Running around catch butterflies.

I spat them out from my mouth. I felt horrible after that. But at least someone remembered what I said, but it was a personal 'attack' to me of what she said. But I love my neighbour. I shall not hold any arch against her. World Peace...

Dart..
Lots to say. But tired as usual.
Mugging is my life now.
Welcome to JC life, Saint Kng. *pat on my back*
14:26:98
Not my BMI. Not my height. Absolutely not my weight.
It's the timing for my evening 3.2 km run.
Conclusion: I'm gaining weight. Haxi..

Dead tired is what I'm feeling everyday. Should I feel that way or am I starting to feel the stretch of JC life? Dunno lei... It's been extremely tiring for me since I started school. Slot is getting into my nerves. I want to be geared up and flee. By the way, I still got one more month to decide which Poly to transfer to, if things are not improving. Whatever... things ain't improve either. Now. Life isn't lousy but very pushy.

God. Studies. Church. Parents. Friends. Myself.

Thinking about what happened last night as I boarded bus 65 home. I feel a tingling sense of embarrassment. I slept on ZiYi's shoulder. Left shoulder to be exact. But her shoulder not bad to lean ma.. can't blame me. Dead as usual, but I was on the process of dying dead. I slept late the night before and chilled with my SR dudes @ Jack's Place. I got another belated Bday present. A combined present. Colour's loud and hip. Navy blue sia...

Nostalgic is what I felt terribly. Floodgates of greeting exchanged as I sat down. Everyone has changed, including myself. From tip to toe. I was completely different, so were the rest. Feeling changed. Eye contacts changed. A sense of 'miss you' was floating in the atmopshere. Even a romantic-barren dude like me could feel that, why not as a group. The expected people attended with the tired smile across each other facial.

Restless.
I sat with ZiYi. I was in a state of drowning. My head was leaning progressly to my right.
Accustomed to the bleaky window and the fear of falling from my sit, into the stepways as we were situtated not far from the exit. Thoughts were running thru my mind as I was consciously dozing off. It was though a film. Flash after another flash. My legs were aching from all the strolling we did and my arms were screaming in silent for whatever reason.

Minutes passed. I was whispering to her as unanswered question popped from my mouth. I vaguely remembered answers, I was physically switched off. Shutting and raising my eyelid as and when the bus reduced its speed. I kept on imagine that I was about to alight. Minutes gone. We were somewhere. Little India. Macpherson Road. Police station. Until the last few minutes, my neck muscles gave way.

Comfort.
I sezied that spit second of tenderness and familiarity. Constraint by my consciousness, my automatic-self jerked up and was rudely awaken. At first thought, I forgot about ZiYi. Resting was occupying me. Nothing incurred to me of her. 3 counts, I was conscious to realise them. But what happened before and after those 3, I was braindead.

So Ungentleman of me.
I ignored her sweet reminding voice of my soon alightment. I acknowledged and slumbered. I wondered if I ever said anything 'hidden' secrets of mine. *blush blush* I dreadfully dun wan to investigate. If I did, so be it. I trust her.

Anyway, she's my darling... weeeeeeeeee
Able to see her once again was encouraging to some sense I dunno why, or maybe it's something else that I dun wish to step in now, whether to test the water or otherwise. I'm a coward. Knowing where I'm standing and having the preknowledge of the odds, I fear to lose. Losing is not my nature or any Man's nature. Winner is what we always strive for, since the world was created until the ages to come. Anyway... a little secret released for a short meeting wouldn't result in much of a celest havoc on earth.

I dun remember taking my last glance at her.
I dashed out of the bus and stood vertically, maintaining my sleepness. Difting and swaying, I boarded the following hot on the tail bus, bus 15. I slammed directly at the portrayed navy blue 3 butt space bench, just across the enterance, and leaned on the very much familiar cold surface, back to wonderland..

Desperately I jogged home.
One motive. One target. My dwelling haven. I stripped off my top and dived into cottons and coverage. I was sound asleep before I could even start counting my pro-active sheeps. A few times, my joureny in the night was interrupted by my caring and concern parents for my empty stomach, I waved to shoo them away. Gulit-ridden, I was. But to disturb my night siesta, I would either leak out my classified or rebuke the intruder to my tranquilly.

Sheer violence.
My voice to those who, on purpose prevert me from my peace.
Wanting to mug thru the long night seems to be impossible for there's a long day ahead tomorrow morning and will last until evening when my weekends come to another end and a new beginning for the week will commerce with Monday blue as a common syndrome for all.

Synergy is what I need. Both mentally and spiritually for the next whole week, for the honeymoon in SAJC will come to an end. Changes again. But is it for the good or the worst.
Now and then.
I can't stop and think about what people have incited inside of me. The subjects that they have brought up makes me feel quite inferior sometimes. Emotionally, I feel stressed. It's personal and also got to do with my personality, which not many people know.

At moments, people's expectation can be so perfection-orientated that disappointment is what they received. And myself is one of the victims. Perfection is what I have sought for years, desperately seeking and looking for.

Eugene O'Neill. The playwright of the Long Day's Journey into Night.
Both of us suffered the same agony that's unusual to our (then) modern society. Just that, the only difference is that I allowed divine intervention in mine, but not his.

'Deprived' is the most suitable word to summarize our crossroads.
Language. Love. Acceptance. Opportunity. Friends. Home. Hope.

For 10 years of childhood and 4 years of teenhood. I was deprived of all these.
Always. I hate to tell people about my past. Not that, it's personal. But it's pain-staking and will cause me to have emotional breakdown.

O'Neill too.

The dragon year that I was born. My mum's grandmum died. And the only memory of her is the photographs that are framed and pinned along the wall @ my cousin's place.

Even so, the moments that I made my granddad proud were the time, he watched me riding his bicycle and he said nothing, but gave me a pat on my shoulder proudly and awarded me with his 'hidden' goodies in his room. We never really communicate much, for I was dialect-barren and my parents refused to teach me. On the other hand, my cousins could easily start a conversation with him. One day, he left all too sudden and was gone forever. And at his deathbed, I so wanted to tell him how much he meant to me but I couldn't. This regret remains in me until now. I so hate myself.

Life can be quite unfair sometimes..
People complain, murmur and whine.
But in the end, they have no choice but to embrace the given situtation, poise themselves up and continue. Even to the extreme of starting from square one all over again, from the beginning.

Today. I finally understood, 'perfection is impossible, but strive to be perfect is.'
Noone is perfect. Because there's people like you and I. Zero.
But everyone can be perfect. Because there's people like you and I.
Perfection is the nature of God as well. We are 'created in the perfect image of God.' That's what the bible says in the beginning and we cannot escape the reality that Man (as in Adam) sinned and he fell from God's grace. Back to square one with the only difference - the knowledge of Good and Evil was imparted to all men with the price of losing the strong bond between Man and God.

I wonder..
Why I could do well for the rest of my O's subjects but got a C5 for English?
Was it me to be blame or there's divine intervention?
For that, I am and will be uncertain of. Of which, I dun want to investigate upon.

On the other hand, wanting to attain perfection is the flaw of all man.
I, too want perfection. I wanted a perfect life, perfect family, perfect world. But noone can be perfect if the world is, or is it? Maybe we are all depreived from it. Just that to what extent or degree we are and what time and space were we deprived of, all these, of which I strongly believe assist to mature our character and to wake us up from our belief of perfection.

Perfect homo sapiens.
No DNA is flawless, except for one person I know - Jesus' DNA. He is perfect because he was lived 33 years of imperfection. Born to be sentenced to be killed by a king, resulting many infants killed in His name. Parents had to run away because they were his parents. Tempted by Devil directly. Hated by man. Deserted by His 12 trustees with one even betrayed Him with a kiss. Ignored by man even though all had been prophsied before. And died terribly in his short life of 33 years.

Antonyms of deprive:
Endow. Give. Enrich. Invest. Herit.

I just realised that..
my current class too, is deprived from one thing - the sweet moments with the previous classmates and friends. So I think I'm not the only one with this. I'm not alone. Isn't it great? Noone is perfect.

Restless prophet feels better.
Time to call it a night.
By the way..
Should I join Speaker's Club or get involve in
the Grandest Election of the year or something else for my CCA?
Time is not on my side.
You

No matter how I feel,
Nobody matters to me.
Maybe sometimes I do,
but seldom I will.
Many seem to be occupied,
thus I waste not a second to say good bye.
For time matters to me,
like fountians and flowers,
sight and scent.
Try too many times,
decided not to lie.
Actually you matter the most to me,
just that I dun have the time.
The time to say good bye.

A hot shower changes everything.
After emerging from the unforgiving thunderstorm, I was drenched but I felt safe. If it was my old marist uniform, for sure, I will feel extremely naked under the semi-transparent white top and bottom. But I wasn't then, I was donned in my favourite uniform. White top. Dark blue bottom. But was still drenched.

I changed my hairstyle.
I ceased to waste my precious time, twisting and spiking my disobedience hair. Just can't make them stand straight like most hair should be, but turned out to be a spiky curly 'durian head'.
Actually, I also dun like to style.
Just leave it as it is. And that was what I pratically did this morning.
But still it was a fashion disaster. Tough!

Some commented that it was nice.
Other spoke otherwise.
Utterly confused, I was.
But CT didn't say anything, so I assumed it was alright.
However, a general statement was made by many that my hair is too long and I need a haircut. Desperately need one if I want to spike it up, which I strongly disagree to their impromptu request. I just had one, not long ago and it was expensive as well. I went to Reds @ Marine Parade, to shave off my sideburns and to get a feel of paying cold hard cash for quality hair-control. It was a well-paid experience, for I felt a sense of majesty after the whole 45 mins washing-cutting-rinsing-styling affair. I felt naughty and devilish.. >.<

Den down came the roaring pellets of rain. Firing heavily @ the determined saints, killed not their physical, but their undivided spirit as they were so 'engrossed' with their CCAs. But I wasn't one of them. I was an innocent civilian who was unwillingly caught in the crossfire. I wasn't spared from the heavy pounding of the lead-felt shrapnel on my flesh and my body.

My hair??
Received the worst hit of all the other parts.
The painstaking minutes and seconds wasted to style, was dissolved within milli-seconds. My hair was like some kind of mop-head that just had its filthy disgusting water pressed out. On the surface, it looks dry... but within the strands of hair, rainwater dwells.

How wise I was..
Wise enough to be caught in the rain.
Dumb enough not to bring my umbrella.
Was it that I felt like a sissy to carry one or is it my egoistic, self-centered MCP (P stands for personality) that caused me to commit this grave mistake, not to carry?

The Scout motto: Be prepared!
And I was the fine example of its opposition.
Gosh.. >.<

Every negative result will have a positive outcome...
ZHan's theory of 'trying-to-console-himself'..

I went to library to mug Maths. Not by choice. I had to, otherwise I will not understand what the lecturers will be talking about, den I will fail Common Assessment (2 months from now) and get kick out from my SAJC, den I will become a broken man, shattered and destroyed.
After the cold and freezing air-con blew my hair dry, I left the college, irritated by the school attendant who chased me out and disturbed my study mood. :(

I met Map @ the bustop.
She commented about my hair being cute or something like that.
So.. was there a sip of sarcasm or compliment, I wasn't so sure.
But to be polite, I thanked her.

Hair..
Not just women's thing.
But guys too as well.
Coffee-addicted prophet chilling out now...
Give

Give me what I need.
Not what you give, I might need.
I might need but you don't give.
Need me not, for you give not.
Give no need for me need you,
but you not need my forgiveness.
Give the need of me.
give none, but thee.

Composed this @ the most undesirable time and space - Lit lecture by Mr John Smith. That ruddy looking chap with a tight belt by his waist. Tough! he's quite cute from far, as in ugly but adorable. This might sound weird but I think I'm becoming sane over cuteness..

If I'm not wrong, he's from New Zealand, which makes him a New Zealander.. the same breed as Mr Thoedy.. my beloved Sec 4 English teacher who made me cry.. He's an #%&*^! but I still love him as my elderly mentor who provoked me to get real, that English is and will be the dominating language of the business world. The universal language. Die die must excel or die.

Just a simple, may-you-help-me-with-oral session, turned out to be a rebuking and fustrating session. Contented with my oral preparation, I approached that 'peace-loving' creature and gently and gracefully sat before his towering desk @ the ulu ulu drama room.. He's an isolative person. Immediate act of disappearancing is his strength, combined with his unforgiving tongue that spat hurting and sarcastic comments like the fountain of dismoralising and trembling, makes him a subject whom many didn't want to be assoicated with, directly or indirectly.

But all these ain't his fault...
for he've been a teacher in MSHS for like how long??
A freaking decade odd years long..
If he doesn't be what he is now. He will either quit teaching or be enrolled into anger-management courses. He's just the kind of person whom we just shouldn't mess around with.. And by the way, he's super duper HAIRY.. like walking maggie mee lor.. Can u just imagine HOW MUCH can you spin from all his overgrown body hair.

Frankly, I missed all his sarcastic comments abt other, 'cos the class will have a good laugh @ the unlucky dude and after that, cursing and swearing would be the only optimum channel to fustrate his the anger and by the end of the day.. we will look forward to the that day, he's down with some sickening and hardcore disease. With the possibility of 0%...
I dun recall any day, he didn't report for school. >.<

I wonder how am I going to break the misfortunte news to him abt me taking Literature as one of my 4 As, especially now, with my poor command of basic English language still at hands..

Think abt his facial expression den the words spiting like a machine gun..

'YOU FRUITCAKE!! HOW DARE YOU DEFILE THE SACRED ENGLISH LANGUAGE WHICH I HAVE BEEN TRYING TO PRESERVE FOR YEARS IN THIS PATHATIC MSHS!!!'

He's gay.. so I dun think he will say that. Hahaha... XP
I'm now in school library blogging.. and Janice is just beside me. :)
Cheers!!! SAJC ROX..
Oh yar!! many of my juniors are coming to SAJC next year. Woo hoo hoo.. *smirk*
Me

I will not be what,
what I wanted to be.
Let me be what,
I want to be.
And being not
what others been.
Be me and me being me.
Let me be,
be just like me.

I think Literature is in my blood. Just that, I have to bring forth the reality that I actually following my parent's footsteps. Daddy's a Chinese literature pro and mum's a Chinese language pro. Me? An arts student who detests English literature until the roots.. what says me being a chip of the old block.. more like chocolate chip in cookie mug.

Saw that?!?!
my last phrase dun even rhythm lor..
The first literature lecture turned me off. Literally..

Othello.. some shakespears tragdey.
Before I even could disgust that word.. the lecturer bombarded me with all these literature term with complex pronounciation that spelling was a major barrier for me to understand what English I was scribbling on my pathetic piece of scrap paper, without arming myself with my usual stationaries..
By scribbling profusely, attacted attentions from left and right.
I felt like some secretary jotting every single word spoken..

Only after the dean switched off the orange illuminated OHP, a sense of peace clothed over my aching shoulders from all the scribbling and brushing.
I felt sooooo impotent..
I felt sooooo soft and jelly..

'So.. is Othello the fallen hero?' I whispered, hoping that my classmate could shine some enlightenment over my confused mind. 1 sec.. 2 sec.. 3 sec.. 4 sec.. 5 sec..
'Uh-huh..'

Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.. What an achievement for me!!!
Utterly destroyed by Literature. I was a living dead.
My breathe was mono and my steps were powerless.
I was chanting and mediating 'relinquish me' in my mind..

Stoning and rotting as I rooted myself on the bench. I was in my own world.

'I hate Lit! I hate Lit! I hate Lit!'

Broken man,I was. Devastated by my own oxymoron..
SOMEBODY!! ANYBODY!! please teach me how to luv Literature..
Tomorrow.. I'm going to face the music.
Attending Literature class is the worst form of captial punishment anyone can place me upon. I prefer dentention class where I can do whatever I love to except Literature..

Oh God!!
deliever me from all these agonies of sitting still in the air conditioned lecture theater and poised myself in proper.. Make me an agnostic of my reality truth and luv Literature!!

Poring over this novel Joshieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee gave me just yesterday - 'the five people you meet in heaven' It should be a tragdey novel.. but i was bursting out with laughter when I first read the book which made Joshieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee quite cross..
By the way.. thanks Joshieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.. I got one lesser book to buy for you on your birthday!!

Oh yar.. the Pope's dead. I just found out...
Sunday morning.. 1.33 am
I suppose to be sleeping now,
for which, churching will be a whole day affair later..

Pastor's going to call me 'weird prophet'
if she finds me sleeping during intercession and prayer..
Usually.. sermon's the time for dozing off.
But Revival Nation's different.. it's during PRAYER TIME!!!
You get drunk spiritually den dream dreams and see visions..

For once..
I think I'm so attached to SA..
that I thought I was freaking late for school today..
Well.. it's all the uniform's fault.

I'm a SA Boy..
bye bye *wave wave* Maris Stella..
Blue Bottom - Size 31
White Top - Size 42
3 sets of better quality uniform to survive for 21 months..

Finally..
for the moment like then,
to get rid of that 'nakedness' in whites..
Without any hesitation..
I was heading for the transformation..
out went MS, in wore SA..

Before I even had the chance to like made my final purchase of my tie..
the cedarians (pronounced as 'CE-DAY-REN-S', more emphasis on the 'DAY' !!)
just like spoil the fun.. one after another pop out and screamed..
They were in SA uni... >.<

Woo.. my cousin just woke up!!
-scanning for a shirt-
I'm now like half-naked, siting in front of the monitor..
and she's a female..
Now's 1.50 am.. n she's chatting with Mum now.
Bleah..

SA..
Hahahahahahahaha...
I luv my uni so much that I wore it out today again!!
I luv the bottom.
I luv the tie.
I luv it so much that I just pissed Joel with my overwhelming respond over my new attire and Caroline by repeating how much I luv it, plus all the vocabulary assoicating with the word: 'EXCITMENT', all written on my face.

Feeling GOOD? na...
I feel awesome.. I can just feel it on my fingers.
THE AWESOMENESS..
Wa hahahahaha...

SA boy.. (still half naked)
sleeping now..
ZZZzzz..
ZZZzzz..